Flash Fiction by Richard Sexsmith
Historical Notations
US President Doug "Mad Dog"
Madison has decided to invade Canada, hoping to right the mistakes made
by his ancestor President James Madison.
He withdraws from NATO, claiming it to be a relic from when the USA was weaker and needed allies.
Madison
orders his secret police, the US Department of Interrogation, Control
and Enforcement, to round up all Canadians living in the USA, claiming
that they are terrorists and spies who are stealing American jobs.
Madison brags on the social network XP that invading and taking over Canada will be as easy as marching in and taking over.
"Mad
Dog" encourages his followers (known as "Mad Doges") to boycott
Canadian products and he puts a 500% tariff on Canadian products,
resulting in shortages of lumber, paper, paper products, toilet paper,
steel, aluminum and food, and causing massive inflation.
He
orders his forces across the border on June 18th 2032. Canada
immediately cuts off all electricity being sent across the border,
plunging major cities on the Eastern Seaboard into darkness.
Traffic
delays results in most ground forces being stuck near the Canadian
border, bogged down by potholes, barricades, and Canadians dropping
Molotov cocktails on Canadian tanks from rooftops. The result is a
clusterfuck of chaos.
American drones crossing into Canada are bombarded by jamming frequencies, causing them to spiral out of control and crash.
The
US Air Force, used to invading tiny countries with limited air space,
finds themselves spread thin across Canada's broad landscape. Unable to
cover the large terrain, they focus instead on bombing major cities,
leaving their ground forces exposed to Canada's Royal Air Force, and
making their planes easy targets for anti-aircraft guns, drones and
rocket launchers.
The US Navy suffers an embarrassing defeat
after ignoring warnings from the Canadians not to approach Newfoundland,
accidentally running their ships aground near lighthouses.
President
Madison denies ever saying that invading Canada was going to be easy,
despite multiple videos showing otherwise. He then claims that he was
only joking and that it was a figure of speech. Later he claims that the
videos are all deepfakes, fake news, and that the "liberal media" are
Canadian sympathizers. He orders the US Department of Interrogation,
Control and Enforcement to round up all the reporters who are saying
negative things about him, and orders the FCC to shut down all networks
that are telling the truth about the war.
Massive protests across
the USA against the war, now being covered solely by Faux News, show
Interrogation, Control and Enforcement agents dressed in gas masks using
chemical and biological weapons on American citizens. On XP President
"Mad Dog" applauds the use of weaponized anthrax on civilians.
On
July 1st Canada launches a counter offensive into New York State,
Pennsylvania and Ohio, targeting key food distribution, the electrical
grid, and toilet paper manufacturing. This is followed by a series of
sabotages that disrupt the USA's distribution networks of food,
electricity, and toilet paper.
The following day many Americans
begin looting toilet paper and food, resulting in shortages. By July 4th
many Americans are hungry, too hot (because their air conditioners
cannot run without electricity), and they've run out of toilet paper,
napkins, etc.
President "Mad Dog" Madison goes on live
television, trying to calm down the populace, but because many Americans
don't have electricity they don't see it anyway. Those who do see it
are witnesses to an angry old man who goes off on a tangent about
history, bragging about the size of his brain, and how his brain knows
the biggest words.
On July 7th a heatwave hits North America,
which combined with sabotage, results in most of the United States being
without electricity and way too hot. People begin openly rebellion in
the streets. Individual governors not to send in local forces to calm
the rebellion, stating that their forces are both unwilling to do it,
and because they would be outnumbered when facing giant crowds of
starving angry people.
On July 10th a covert ground force of
Canadians disguised as "Mad Doges" march into Washington D.C. and cause a
train derailment. The trains are carrying condensed nitrous oxide
(laughing gas) spill, spreading laughing gas throughout the city.
American politicians end up laughing so hard they shit their pants, and
many such incidents are livestreamed via hacked security cameras
straight on to social media websites like XP.
The Secret Service
evacuates President "Mad Dog" out of Washington, with cameras rolling as
he shits his pants from laughing too much.
With the city
evacuated, the Canadian forces visit the White House, sabotage the
natural gas lines, and leave a single candle lit in the Oval Office. By
the time the natural gas spreads throughout the building the Canadians
are already gone. The explosion destroys the White House, leaving a
burnt out ruin.
Meanwhile Canadian militias have popped up in
every town, every city, uniting all Canadians. And fun fact, Canadians
have lots of hunting rifles. The American invaders cannot take a smoke
break or a piss im public without becoming a target for a Canadian
sniper. Sabotaged supply routes and long spread out supply trains have
left American troops running low on ammo and food, which coupled with
the heat wave and unexpected humidity, has made troops vulnerable.
Outside
of North America Canada's NATO allies have been contributing
ammunition, rockets and drones to Canada, and they have cut off all
trade with the USA. Many other countries have also opted to "not get
involved" and cut off trade.
Without trade and desperately needed
products (including food and toilet paper) some Americans resort to
drinking corn syrup, but the distribution network of food is in tatters,
food scarcity and inflation has soared, and there are many instances of
looting and even cannibalism.
On July 14th the US Senate tries
to impeach President Madison, but before they can vote on the motion the
Senate is overwhelmed by "Mad Doges" who are chanting "Hang them all!
Hang them all!" The Senate is evacuated, but the "Mad Doges" shit all
over the place and kill several police officers.
The USA suffers a
series of embarrassing defeats, often due to tactical errors of
underestimating the Canadian military, the Canadian population, and the
weather. Military advisors to President "Mad Dog" recommend a "tactical
retreat from Canada". President Madison fires all of his advisors,
insisting that the USA will prevail. He attempts to use nuclear options,
but he is so senile that he cannot remember the nuclear codes, and
nobody in the military will help him.
On July 17th, less than one
month after the war began, a military coup at Camp David results in
President Doug "Mad Dog" Madison being killed when he inadvertently
picks up a fallen gun, fires it at a steel reinforced door, and the
bullet ricochets off and kills him. The incident is caught on multiple
security cameras.
Vice President Brutus "the Backstabber" Bones,
best known for his political podcasts and wrestling career, is sworn in
as president. He orders the tactical withdrawal of ground forces, and
orders the Air Force and Navy to stand down. Any American forces still
inside Canada who are unable to withdraw are ordered to surrender to the
Canadians.
A ceasefire is called and as part of the reparations
paid to Canada, Canada gains Alaska. Canadians who were abducted and
imprisoned by the US government sue and win.
But the "Mad Doges"
fight on, insisting that President Madison is still alive, and that the
security camera videos are all deepfakes. They congregate in Waco Texas
and start a civil war, hoping to create an independent nation, but
they're not the only political group unhappy with the American status
quo. After eight years of fighting by 2050 the USA is no more, having
been divided into five smaller countries:
The Kingdom of Hawaii,
which becomes a constitutional monarchy with King Kamehameha as their
new king with veto power, and only people born in Hawaii are eligible to
become Prime Minister. As such the Prime Minister cannot go to war
without the king's permission.
The Federation of California, which has multiple presidents in charge of different regions, but must cooperate militarily.
The
Republic of Texas, which opts to have no president, but instead has a
Senate Leader who can be deposed with a simple vote of non confidence.
They are officially neutral in all wars, opting to follow the path of
Switzerland.
The Theocracy of Florida, which elects a Theocrat
every five years that serves as a spiritual leader with veto power, but
has no military power. Instead only a triumvirate of three senators with
military experience are elected to serve as commanders of the military.
The
New England Confederacy, which has two spokespeople (one man and one
woman), each of which have no power by themselves. They cannot veto
anything unless they both agree and they need a two-thirds super
majority vote to go to war.
After a decade most of the countries, with the exception of Florida and Texas, have joined NATO.
Without the USA as an adversary China invades Russia, taking back territory it lost in 1858-1860. But that is another story...
The End.